Thursday, July 29, 2010

to resolve any misconstruction...

arizona is not a nice place... seriously not nice.

forget the implications of what nazi magical-kingdom would have birthed had brewer been at the helm during duh-buh-yuh's presidential bender... the worst of the arizonian populace exists regardless of the state's executive office.

as evidence, i present to you the story of my close friend and personal sensei. we'll call him carlos.

carlos is not of hispanic, latino, spanish, or mexican descent. he is an american of filipino descent... and this particular filipino sensei doesn't take shit. would be from behind a bar in tempe where carlos the filipino bartending sensei would make his stand...

lore has it that he could hit a fly from 20 yards with a coors lite bottle - and in a bar most noted for being the watering hole of sonny barger's band of hooligans, he would have to. but it wasn't sonny's boys he'd have to watch out for.

carlos was doing his thing one late afternoon when two large caucasion boys wandered into the establishment - one ordering a shot of tequila, the other: two budweisers and two shots of jose cuervo. as usual, the drinks came fast, accurate, and on target. carlos's game is a tough one to beat.

but on this hot arizona day, the most unusual of circumstances transpired: a dissatisfied patron stood face-to-face with our protagonist claiming that his order had not been properly fulfilled. in fact, the boy insisted, he had ordered three miller lites and no tequila.

...who's right and who's wrong doesn't matter much in the desert...

and so carlos was obliged to correct the order, offering the tequilla to the boy on-the-house as a gesture of goodwill. the boy accepted as he removed his t-shirt and sat on a barstool. as he turned to drink his prize, a large tattoo of a swastika with the gothic-lettered words "WHITE POWER" was in full display for the bartender to contemplate as he corrected his initially accurate service. the bartender delivered the miller lites with a smile but, once again, the patron was dissatisfied.


now, at this point it might be necessary to point out that our filipino bartending sensei's name is not really carlos (i added that for ironic literary purpose)... and yet, here, in the desert, this son of arizona has decided to bestow this mexican moniker upon our friend.

loudly slamming his keys down in front of the bartender, revealing his swastika key chain, the boy announced, "...and i don't like the way you've been eying me, CARLOS!"

carlos, the consummate bartender and excellent employee, now knew what was in store for both himself and his younger adversary. unflappable, he walked to the door and out of the establishment.

it seems unnecessary to tell you about how our filipino bartending sensei friend went on to deliver several close-range punches to the head of his much larger opponent before ramming his knee into the boy's head, leaving the hulking rascist unconscious in front of his own ford truck. it's equally unnecessary to explain how it all happened in just a blink of an eye... so quickly that the boy's friend didn't even find out what happened before carlos, knowing that he'd lost this job (mexicans aren't expected to stand up for themselves in the southwest), was off in his own ford truck to have a drink at another watering hole while considering new employment.

the point of all this is that brewer and her horrible policies do not make arizona what it is. moreover, having seemingly avoided the worst part's of brewer's bill is just a temporary fix to the larger problem:

the people of arizona have apparently never seen filipino people... and their terrible manners lead them to get their bigoted asses kicked in the parking lot.

that is all.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

worstey states.

i've never liked texas. honestly, i was a texas-hater even before duhbuhyuh shat on this fine country. i don't like the cowboys, the christian-right, or george c. butte. and i've always believed that the last hope for all that is evil is clinging to life in texas. unfortunately, i was wrong.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

you know you're a complete fucking idiot when...

okay... so despite the fact that i am a technologist that owes his entire career to microsoft-based software, programming environments, standards, disregard for standards, development of new standards by way of a complete disregard for standards...  i am by no means a microsoft apologist. i'll never forgive them for windows 95, 98, 98se, ME, and many other horrible products that were released prior to being fully tested simply to capture a market and create a captive audience/monopoly that we are all dependent on much like suckling piglets to a swine.

HOWEVER, if you cannot figure out how to use microsoft word, then you should not be teaching, you should probably not be driving, and you definitely should not be voting.

also, you probably can't read or count, shit yourself in public, are a bank of america customer, still write checks, think "refudiate" is a word, own more than one apple product, like van halen better with sammy hagar, think that you can't drive 55, etc. etc. etc.

that is all.

the truth about jane jetson

gold-digging trollop.

Why would a Wookiee, an eight-foot tall Wookiee, want to live on Endor, with a bunch of two-foot tall Ewoks?

this argument: Conversion as a strategic goal

equals this argument:

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Friday, July 16, 2010

best quote ever.

"The Mel Gibson tapes…calling women bitches and using the N- word, they ain't nothing but hiphop. He stole that concept from Lil Wayne." - Tracy Morgan

Thursday, July 15, 2010

we're all going to get so friggin' stoned...

i've always laughed off legalization conversations because 1) marijuana obsessions always seemed pretty childish to me 2) i just didnt' think i'd live long enough to see it. but now this shit looks for-real folks (at least in Oakland, CA). so i started thinking about how silly we're all going to feel once it's been legalized for several years - not how silly we'll feel because we're all going to get so friggin' stoned - but because we made such a big fucking deal out of legalizing weed.

personally, i don't smoke pot very much anymore. the main reason is that i hate buying and owning it. you always have to buy an eighth or a quarter or an ounce... whatever. the quantity issue sucks because i'm literally going to smoke what i have until it's all gone. you see, i have what you'd call an addictive personality i guess. i'd go the store high, i'd show up for classes high, i'd go to work high. if i even bothered to do any of those things...

i think i might have that very same problem with alcohol if i had to buy a keg of beer or a barrel of wine at a time. can you imagine? showing up for every engagement acting like it's the forth quarter of the jets/dolphins game? luckily, they sell booze in bite-size, travel-friendly, live-your-fucking-life quantities. i'd have to go to the ghetto or the local high school to buy anything smaller than an eighth of weed... fuck that.

so i started thinking... if weed is legalized, maybe it will be possible to buy smaller quantities and then otherwise hopeless stoners like myself can control their drug use like big boys and girls. i'd be able to get high AND live-my-fucking-life... what a concept.

an even more interesting concept: how many more people are going to be smoking pot once it's legal? seriously... the streets will be littered with zombies. grandmothers and grandfathers that haven't smoked since the 60s and 70s are going to be all pale and sweaty... eating cookies and brownies... giggling and singing Moody Blues songs... being all naked and woodstocky.


okay, forget that nightmare for a second and think about the political ramifications. more liberally minded perhaps? sure, that's a possibility. but NOBODY is going to remember when or where to vote. and then george bush's cousin's semen gets elected president, nominates lex luther and darth maul to the supreme court, and prohibition resumes.

goddamn you fucking stoner liberals are incompetent.

now, if i can just shake this meth addiction...

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

stupid, racist people

tea party-goers racist? does it really matter? these party offshoots are like coffee filters. the grinds stay in the basket while the juicy brown sludge drips down into the carafe, eagerly consumed, creating nervousness and mayhem. i fucking love coffee, but i'm better off without it. the tea baggers are the howard sterns of their party - they fully intend on pissing you off. but they're also inadvertently getting unelectable schmucks nominated, fucking the republican party in the ass, and turning an already out-of-touch party into a professional wrestling bout. and, fittingly, professional wrestling is about as passé as the brainlessness of conservative politics.

but are they racist? you betcha! but come on people - the pope is a fucking pedophile nazi. these are weird times.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Cliff Lee deal falls through...

i guess george took this one particularly hard...

RIP big stein. say hi to the mick.

Monday, July 12, 2010

oh, one more thought for the day...


Mel Gibson

if Mel had Tourette Syndrom... how exactly would one know?

the comedy stylings of mr. gibson: "You look like a f---ing pig in heat. If you get raped by a pack of n------, it will be your fault"

(for the record: n------'s travel in packs???)

but who among us hasn't said these things? oh... none of us? right, because we're not completely daffy.

what a nasty bastard this guy is. can we send him to switzerland? or uganda? new mexico?

Jeff Tweedy does Beyonce...