The Impaler

Hide your daughters....bury your sons:

The Friday Top 5!!!!!!

So, what do we have... like 5 people gracious enough to occasionally visit our blog at this point?

Good.

Let's start a new game that we'll swear to play every week and then either forget or realize it's stupid and never repeat...

The Friday Top 5!!!!!!

Here's the scoop... we, and by "we" I mean "me" or "me and Sal" whenever "Sal" remembers that he has a blog, provide the topic. Over the weekend we collect responses to the Top 5!!!!!! in the form of a comment thread and publish the best 5 of them (if we can gather 5 responses) to our completely ridiculous, takes a year to load, TGI Fridays-style right-hand column on Monday.

Therefore, The Friday Top 5!!!!!! is actually published on Monday which is totally fucking weird... but who gives a shit, nobody reads this blog anyway.

(My apologies to Shaw, Kevin, Randal and apparently the occasional Blue Gal)

The idea is to generate conversation about the week's events in as cynical and snarky a way possible.

I'm not usually a "joiner" and have rarely been a "starter"... but fuck it, right?

This week's Friday Top 5!!!!!! topic:

My favorite thing about the Republican party is:

Two years ago it would have been much more fun to have done this about the dems... but with Palin rearing her pretty little head, Michael Steel claiming to be able to fake out the media, and the release of the minority budget plan - I figure this is a good time to poke fun at the Gay Old Patriarchy.

So, have at it - but keep in mind that I am not above publishing the The Friday Top 0!!!!!! if you fuckers don't submit anything.

Have a nice weekend.

The Fighting Mindless

President Obama's decision to lift the ban on funding embyonic stem cell research has prompted the Cardinal Newman Society to lobby against Obama's planned visit to Notre Dame and deliver the graduation commencement speach.

Inlitterati lumen fidei...

Matt Taibbi: One of the most erudite writers of his time!

Matt Taibbi has become one of my favorite writers over the course of the past year or so. His critical style is exactly what this world needs more of. Simply put, he calls a spade a spade.

(John's head explodes...)

Thanks to Helen over at Just Ain't Right for posting a link to Taibbi's piece in Rolling Stone, The Big Takeover: The global economic crisis isn't about money - it's about power. How Wall Street insiders are using the bailout to stage a revolution.

It made me say "holy fuck" out loud and it will probably make you do the same thing.

It's not the light yet angry, sarcastic, and witty Taibbi we've gotten so used to. Instead, it's a powerful description of our current economic mess and a good start at a financial-lingo dictionary. By the time your done reading it you'll know a CDO from a CDS, what the OTS should be doing but isn't, and that ABCPMMMFLF is a legitimate acronym... seriously.

Do you like horror??? Well, here's a little clip of Taibbi's slasher to wet your appetite:

When one considers the comparatively extensive system of congressional checks and balances that goes into the spending of every dollar in the budget via the normal appropriations process, what's happening in the Fed amounts to something truly revolutionary — a kind of shadow government with a budget many times the size of the normal federal outlay, administered dictatorially by one man, Fed chairman Ben Bernanke. "We spend hours and hours and hours arguing over $10 million amendments on the floor of the Senate, but there has been no discussion about who has been receiving this $3 trillion," says Sen. Bernie Sanders. "It is beyond comprehension."

Luckily for us we're just bacteria on a rock aimlessly floating through space. So, let's all just eat shit and smile because we are all so totally fucking fucked.

Record Store Day

Hey kids,

You might not have heard of Record Store Day, but it's not your fault...

Record Store Day is a cooperative effort between independently owned record stores across the country and big-label musical artists to celebrate, promote, and have a kick-ass time. Lots of sex, drugs, and rock n roll - and given the current shitty state of things, it helps that it's all free.

The whole thing goes down on Saturday, April 18.

Hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of stores across the country, as will as internationally, will be participating. Use this handy little thingy to find participating stores near you...

Monday Toon:

Though I don't dig on swine....

...I think this pic rules:

Happy Nowruz!

Friedman vs. Taibbi

Welcome C&L Readers (Thanks for the blog love, Blue Gal...)

Ah, fuck it all. I tried to resist the urge to over-analyze Thomas Friedman's lack of literary prowess after reading Matt Taibbi verbally abuse the poor schmuck. After all, Taibbi is little more than the poorest of poor-man's Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, a personal hero of mine. But I have to admit it, Thomas Friedman is to diction what I am to nuclear physics... or diction for that matter.

Taibbi's gone back to that well 3 times or so, each time going for the jugular. But his obsession with Friedman is an indication of the three-time Pulitzer Prize winning author's success.

Taibbi is Friedman's tapeworm... a parasite that profits from the destruction it inflicts upon its host.

Not that Friedman doesn't deserve it or anything. I couldn't care less about his inability to write a decent sentence. But the "I support the war in Iraq, just not George Bush's war in Iraq" politcal gymnastics were all too similar to the rest of the bullshit we've had to put up with from politicians, corporate executives, media-rock-band-front-men and the like for quite a while now.

I guess I'd just be happy if we could stuff both of these morons into a blender and make a douchebag smoothie. I wouldn't drink it, but it would be fun to watch.

happy st. patrick's day

seriously, drink up fuckers.

a couple things to think about today...

aig bonuses tax-payer dollars being paid out to obscenely rich people, who then quit immediately after receiving said funds...

but it's alright, because it's all white...

a close friend of mine compared coffee to nuclear holocaust today...

and another close friend of mine confirmed that some people actually do read this blog... the take-away? you can be right while also being an asshole...

here's a little something for Mr. Graves... but it'll suite anybody with an iota of musical taste...

and another musical interlude on this solemn day...

hate arod? how much? how 'bout now?

finally, my apologies for once again overusing and misusing the ellipsis...

They All Look Alike

A stereotypical and outdated perception of blacks? No. Unfortunately, it could be the approach Obama takes with the Taliban.

Hoping to mirror some successes the US had in Iraq with the Sunnis, Obama has thrown around the idea of reaching out to some "moderates in the Taliban" to achieve some sense of stability in Afghanistan. I'm all for diplomacy, but this can't really be what he is thinking, right?

First off.. who are the moderates in the Taliban? By definition, Shariah Law is the most rigid form of Islamic fundamentalism around (personally, I can't help but notice the latent homosexual overtones that abound within this truly stone age ideology). Young girls and women are beaten and raped without reprisal and strictly forbidden from learning (or working, or showing any skin other than their hands, or allowing their footsteps to make noise, or walking past open windows while inside, or leaving the home without a closely related male chaperone, or being treated by male doctors, etc.) This is an idea that needs much more time to cook.

Second, why would the Taliban care to speak with the US about consolations when they are already calling the shots in Afghanistan? They control at least 75% of the country which is mostly lawless and have the whole country controlled with fear. There is no opposition that is noteworthy. The current government is bearing the torch of Benazir Bhutto's message, but has no teeth to take legitimate action. What would they have to gain? Surely we would be asking them to make concessions on several current practices which would be deemed out of alignment with Allah's master plan.

The fact is, W should've made plans to invade Afghanistan on September 12th, 2001 and he fucked up. I always knew Obama would need to clean up his mess, but this isn't the right course of action. Iraqis are not the monsters some have made them out to be. They treat their women with dignity (albeit in a different way than we do in America). The Taliban is narrow-minded and evil. Shariah Law is a blasphemous distortion of the Islamic faith intended to control out of fear. The offenses of the Taliban are numerous and hard to stomach. If we needed to kill hundreds of thousands of "browner" people, this would be a much more deserving lot.

I love you Barack, but as has been stated on this site plenty of times before, you cannot reason with these people. You need to change the way they view the world and themselves. To do so, you need to remove the leaders who promote this message of hate and restriction. I know there's oil if you can get lines from the Caspian Sea secured, but why don't we fix the economy at home first, alright?

Blog pimp...

I feel the need to pimp the blog, Anchor Babes. The idea that mindless art can inspire mindless art is a valid thesis that spans the fine line between irony and mysogynism. Enjoy!

(That's CNN's Robin Meade to the right...)

Weekend Comedy

Rickey Gervais:

By the way...

Mornings are bullshit. Viva la noche!

Ummmm Part Deux: More Ummmmier

This story inspires a lack of confidence in so many directions I am not sure where to start writing or when to start crying. I am not even sure that I am not sure about either of these things. Its all very confusing.

The AP has a story about first time jobless claims coming in at 639,000, which was lower than expected. This is supposed to be good news as the week before the drop was 670,000, and the expectation was for it to be as high as 650,000. So 11,000 more people kept their jobs then was expected!

While I am happy for those 11,000 folks (assuming they like their jobs) I find the way the story was broken an affront to all things decent and mindful. I view the first sentence as being offensive to the very notion and even possibility of human intelligence. See for yourself:

WASHINGTON – The number of new jobless claims and the total number of people
receiving unemployment benefits both dropped more than expected last week,
though they remain at elevated levels and are unlikely to fall substantially in
the coming months.

What gives? The sentence begins by reporting a bad prediction and ends with another prediction. This reminds me of when a weather forecast begins as follows:

Today's forecast was for sun and instead we got rain, but tomorrow we should have a Hurricane...

Lets just stop. That's right, I said it--we all need to stop. Whatever it is you are doing do not do it anymore because it is not working. If you think you need to keep doing whatever it is you are doing you are wrong and I can say that with near certainty. Trust me, try something else.

NOW.

Two angry camels in a car....

Did I deliver or what?

Ummmm....

Why Mick, why?

Oscar nominated actor Mickey Rourke's career is back on track. He has been signed up for the next Rambo film.

Could it be possible to put two more misplaced sentences back to back?

Morning Joe on Michael Steele:

I watched this as I tried getting out of bed this morning and I have not been right ever since. Make sure you watch what occurs at the two minute mark:

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Please caption this photo: Israeli President Shimon Peres and U.S. Secratary of State Hillary Clinton

I Hope Steele Hates Himself as Much as I Hate Him

Hate is unproductive, and so is RNC chair Michael Steele.

ברוכים הבאים שבט גב 'Lohan.

עוד מכה יהודים כמוך. עבודה יפה מאוד. בהצלחה ושלום.

Walter Sobchak: So what are you saying? When you get divorced you turn in your library card? You get a new license? You stop being Jewish?