Friday, December 17, 2010

RIP Captain Beefheart

69 years young, Don Glen Vliet up and dies right in the middle of Zappadan. How about that?

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

cliff lee deal falls through for yanks... again

steinbrenner passed away soon after cliff lee last refused a contract from the yankees... who's next?

arod, you feeling okay?

Monday, December 13, 2010

caving in: not just for democrats anymore

footage of the metrodome collapsing... absolutely amazing.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Tax cuts, lib guts, and sodomy

The entire system is fucked. Obama is stuck in a room with a bunch of bleeding cunts that have no use for anyone worth less then 8 figures, and they have enough power to stop him. What should he do? Should he let all the cuts expire, take over the airwaves, and repeatedly remind the public that you have no tax cuts or unemployment benefits benefits because the GOP wants Rick Scott to have a few extra pages in his bank statement to toss off to in between issues of Tiger Beat? Yes. Yet, I am not unemployed (yet) and don't need those benefits to afford this month's Tiger Beat. Where is the compassion on the left? Where is the glee that this deal is, in effect, a new stimulus package? Too many of us (often, me included) are pissed that "our guy" looks like a wimp in the face of Republicans. But he has to cut deals with these lunatics to get anything he wants and we must remain mindful of that. Sadly, he is as far to the left as the country will allow and we must remain behind him.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

sluggards and disgrunts

it's amazing how anger about obama's tax "compromise" convinced so many democrat voters to boycott the midterm elections.

Monday, December 6, 2010

It's only Monday but,

this is the coolest shit I've seen this week.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

c-span jumps the shark - koreas agree to end the world


i watch c-span washington journal in the mornings... people call in and say stupid things on air. today's topic: "Who should have more influence over policy: President Obama or the tea party movement?"

really.

i take it all back. msnbc and fox news have all the answers. john boehner is good. meghan mccain is clever.

less importantly... we're doomed, the koreas have decided to terminate all human life. i have a dog, and i feel bad that his life will be cut short by global thermonuclear war, but i am not responsible for his birth and so my thoughts go out to those with human children. the house plants will be fine. leave some extra food out for the cat.

Friday, November 12, 2010

white house gives in to anti-abolitionists

shortly after signing the bill that repeals the ban on slavery, obama was led off in chains singing "swing low."

so says ariana huffington.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

it just got worse.

i just read this garbage on cnn: the new reality tv show on E! - bridalplasty




that picture makes me want to puke. the fact that the show exists makes me want to gouge my own eyes out. that i even bother to read cnn.com makes me realize that i deserve to live on the same planet with these people.

when will they create the show, "make my morning commute faster" in which you get a bazooka and one round to fire off on your way to work in the morning. whoever manages to clear the right-hand lane has immunity on next week's show.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Bloomberg, Hubris, and That Pesky Third Term

In 2008, New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg convinced the city council to bend the law in his
favor. He was able to get the city council to pass a law allowing a three-term maximum for incumbent
mayors where there had previously been a two-term limit. 2008 was a desperate time, with Wall Street
crumbling and the economy in dire straights.

He persuaded the council to extend the limit so that he could run again and let the people decide if they
wanted him to continue navigating them through the treacherous waters of recession. Many felt that
Bloomberg's expertise in the financial sector would be a boon, and that to change leadership at such a
pressing time would only further exacerbate the problem, and so he was elected for a third time.

Now, as his third term is winding down, Mayor Bloomberg wants to change the law back to the way it
is was. Two terms for everybody else but he, who would go down as the city's last three-term mayor in
history. A spokesman for the mayor said, "Bloomberg supported three terms only for himself because
the situation was extraordinary." This after being a staunch of opponent of expanding term limits, even
going so far as to call council members proposing a vote for an extra term "disgraceful."

Bloomberg claims he was persuaded otherwise once aware of the gravity of this "extraordinary"
situation, but now, he wants to revoke the privilege for all his successors to come. This is a blatant
example of political arrogance, one that will allow Bloomberg to own his claim as the last three-term
mayor in the city's history.

It is like a child retiring on the playground as "king of the mountain" so others cannot be king
themselves; Bloomberg wants the distinction all to himself. He has bent the law to massage his ego
already, and now is bending it back to where it was to secure his place in history. I'm sure he likes the
ring of it: "New York's last three-term Mayor, Michael Bloomberg." He will presumably relish in his
title until another extraordinary time, with another extraordinary leader able to play the city council to
his or her advantage. Or maybe, just maybe, lawmakers will wise up before then.

Edward Stern, Guest Blogger

Friday, November 5, 2010

WHERE ARE THE JOBS, BOEHNER????

despite boehner's lofty claims, the unemployment rate remains at 9.6% and the congressional disapproval rate is a whopping 74%. what has this guy been doing? boehner should do the right thing and return his salary to the taxpayers that have yet to so see any of his promises come to fruition. it's clear that this man has no idea what he's doing.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Heckle the "Tea Party Day"

Please go to Twitter and heckle the turds by attaching "#teaparty" to your Tweets. Thank you.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Ken Buck clarifies his opinion...

and digs himself a deeper hole...





Can insulting gays and women get you elected in Colorado?

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

the first amendment does?

if you haven't seen the end of christine o'donnell's campaign yet... enjoy:

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

entertainers used to be cool... and over the age of twelve.

harry reid is quite possibly the only person that could ever lose an election to sharron angle... and other desultory philippics.

word has it that harry reid is attending this year's congressional halloween party as a ghost. the man is ethereal. you'd think this physiology would have made him a good boxer, but apparently victory has to be a desirable state to the contender. his farts have more substance than his physical presence. a strong breeze would go out of it's way to ignore him... had it noticed him at all. once a tree was going to fall in the forest before thinking of harry reid and sighing, "aw, fuck it." and so, sharron angle, another of the gop's intellectual villains, is leading in the polls.

justin beiber beat somebody up. maybe it was reid.

why is pot a national obsession now? when i was a kid you quietly and illegally scored your weed from a prog-rocker in a mitsubishi. that seems so much more of an adult perspective than all the hooey going around today. robin williams said, "you are either a smoker or a non-smoker. figure out which one you are and BE THAT." i think that advice applies somehow.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Friday, October 15, 2010

right-wing women


anybody ever think we'd miss condi?

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Thursday, October 7, 2010

twit

this morning i realized that blogging is dead since twitter's 140 character maximum provides more than enough to express any important thoug

Saturday, October 2, 2010

rick sanchez KNOWS what it's like to be jewish

i would be angry about this:

I can’t see somebody not getting a job somewhere because they’re Jewish

and this:

I can’t really think — although I understand the plight of Jews, and all the experiences, and the things that have happened historically for them — but I can’t say that my buddy Glen or my buddy Izzy who I grew up with in South Florida ever were prejudiced against directly simply because they were Jewish. There may have been jokes around them or about other things, but it’s kinda — you know what I’m saying, it’s kind of a different thing.

but i can't be angry about something so fucking hypocritical. here's a member of an ethnic group, complaining that a member of a different ethnic group from his own can't understand the plight of his people, while expounding about his own deep-seated knowledge of what's it's like to be a member of another ethnic group.

ultimately, all i can get out of sanchez's perspective is that he doesn't think there is hate against jews (despite his own) but he wishes there was.

this is nothing more than evidence of the shallow and ignorant psyche of rich sanchez. i give jon stewart a lot of credit for teasing out sanchez's true nature.

cleveland rocks

hand it to cleveland for hanging on to 10th place.


randall, are you the only motherfucker who can read in that goddamned place? how are you not the mayor? wait... are you the mayor?

uhm, sorry for calling you a motherfucker mr. mayor.

Friday, September 17, 2010

restore sanity / keep fear alive


gonna be there? bet your sweet ass i will.

the question is... is this a politically inspired event or just a fan-boy star-trek circlejerk? it wouldn't matter either way if we didn't need this so badly right now. satire is a powerful thing.

stewart mentioned "special guests" - i wonder if john stamos will be there?


dreamy.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

bummer

field negro had us up briefly as the blog he is "feeling" only to quickly remove the honor and banish us from his blog roll.

not sure what happened there... sure, our blog is kinda crappy - but field has given us a shout out on many occasions - how could he only now be figuring out that we suck???

whatev.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

mama don't let your babies grow up to be influenced by the president's socialist agenda

barry has released the text of his "back to school" speech prior to today's live classroom broadcast. the early release was intended to counter last year's outrage that many parent's expressed at having the president discuss his political agenda with their children.

that's right... parents are outraged that the president might teach their children about keynesian economics.

but here's what barry has actually come to tell them:

[...]nobody gets to write your destiny but you. Your future is in your hands. Your life is what you make of it. And nothing – absolutely nothing – is beyond your reach. So long as you’re willing to dream big. So long as you’re willing to work hard. So long as you’re willing to stay focused on your education.

sure. dream big while the walls of our underfunded institutions literally crumble around you. stay focused on your education while class sizes increase each year - while teachers are being asked to do more while being paid less - while the universities that your parents cant afford to send you to have less and less to offer you because of budget cuts...

follow the money. our country puts it's cash into afghanistan and citibank.

the university of phoenix will soon have better qualified professors than UCLA. but what will they be teaching?

the academic landscape is being infiltrated by for-profit institutions whose curriculum is determined by goldman sachs, haliburton, exxon, conoco phillips, wal-mart, etc. etc. etc.

the ancient ideal of university is quickly being replaced by balance sheets as we devolve and descend into another dark age.

but hey, barry should really just stick to the speech - the kids will figure all that other depressing stuff out for themselves soon enough.

who needs a drink?

Sunday, September 12, 2010

time to really mess with this guy's head...

now that rev. flavor saver has decided not to burn the qur'an, i think it's only fair that we call him out for what he very obviously is:

a dirty appeaser who believes that christians should fear muslims and that muslims should be able to intimidate americans without consequence.

furthermore, his decision to cave to demands of the librul media completely annuls the first amendment and turns the constitution into a wad of wet toilet paper.


sigh.

seriously though... what does rev. surrender monkey get for all his hard work? a giant fucking spotlight on his church business:

  • Terry Jones, the controversial pastor behind the recent call to burn copies of the Quran on Sept. 11, runs a church that spends most of its money on administrative expenses and operates a furniture business out his church in Gainesville, FL.
i guess "godliness is next to the barely used sofa-bed". that would look nice stitched on a throw pillow.
  • [...]the Dove World Outreach Center, "program services" accounted for 30.5 percent of the church's expenses, while "Administrative costs" accounted for 69.5 percent.
sure. mustache administration is expensive.
  • [...]he also sells the book he authored, "Islam is of the Devil", as well as mugs, tee shirts and hats on another website he operates---Islamisofthedevil.com
hmmm... what does this remind me of?


  • [...] an online real estate listing may indicate Jones is looking for other ways to drum up some cash. According to the listing on real estate website AllisonAbles.com, the Dove World Church is for sale for 2.9 million. The listing says the property has been "reduced $1.1 million for a quick sale".
what??? a guy can't make an honest living flipping churches? besides, i hear there's a real nice piece of property in downtown NYC that's about to become available.
  • Though the church once enjoyed tax-exempt status, it lost part of that status this spring, according to the Alachua County Property Appraiser's office. A representative from the appraiser's office visited Dove World Outreach Center March 25th, and determined the church must pay taxes on the 1,700 square feet of its property that is being used for the Jones' for-profit business. The church will pay $3,200 in property taxes this year.
so why are we calling this a "church" and referring to this media-whoring fraud as a "reverend"?

Friday, September 10, 2010

question of the day...

why is it that the folks complaining that they aren't able to speak their minds haven't shut the fuck up since november 4, 2008?

they seem to be doing their fair share of speaking.

and my personal favorite:

Thursday, September 9, 2010

and after all this... you die.


so, according to this economist article we already have among the shortest retirement periods.

now, consider the impending raise in the retirement age, take away some social security income, mix in a little market volatility just to make things interesting...

and then there's the death panels, of course...

fuck it. i'm grabbing a beer, some viagra and a pack of smokes. i'm going out wasted with a raging boner.
work is for suckers.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

supreme dickwad terry jones

UPDATE: major props to rackspacehosting for taking two of terry jones's sites down because the sites "violated the hate speech provision of our acceptable use policy."

UPDATE: dove world's site is down... i guess too many people were trying to join the congregation!



in case you are wondering...

this is the ignorant assbag rev. terry jones that plans on expressing himself by burning the Qur'an on 9/11:





and this is his sign that expresses his thesis:




these are his words that he uses to express his religious perspective:

...we say “Islam is of the devil” because the teachings of Islam and what that produces in lies, violence and oppression are of the devil. We hope and pray that Moslems will come out of Islam and become Christians.

If Jews deny that Jesus Christ was the Messiah, the Savior of the World, then their beliefs are also of the devil, in the sense that they will not be saved. However, there is much more hope for the teachings of Judaism leading people to a belief in Christ, since they are pointed constantly to the hope of the Messiah, than for the followers of Mohammad.


and this is the link to the contact page of the dove world outreach center that you can use to express yourself to this dipshit:

contact dove world outreach center


this is a chance to express yourself, so be creative.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

that was nice... now get back to laboring.

mark david chapman was reminded again today that happiness is not a warm gun.

there aren't a lot of people upon whom i wish the sort of doom that i wish upon this scum.

sure, lennon wasn't kennedy... but then again, kennedy wasn't lennon now was he?

Friday, September 3, 2010

No need to panic. I'll just lash together a few raw facts, a little bit of Negro wisdom, and this nightmare is over.

my favorite quote of the day (so far) comes from paul krugman:

if [Obama] came out for motherhood, the G.O.P. would declare motherhood un-American.

krugman's been sitting on this piece for almost two years. it's mostly an i told you so story with a plea to obama to go long on his socialist economic directives initiatives next week.

if krugman's wishes come true then i like this strategy from the white house... send an entire fleet out to rescue the s.s. minnow - let gilligan and his crew refuse the lifeline just in time for an election-day sprint.

fart smella that obama, eh?

(and yes, i know it was the skipper's crew not gilligan's - but with glenn beck playing gilligan to newt's skipper, it all makes sense)

intermission (this one's for the ladies:)



(feel the waves of titillation wash over you as paul makes love to you with those dreamy eyes. run your fingers through his ample mop-top, british invasion, looks-like-a-wig-but-really-isn't-thingy on top of his head. hear the rustling of small forest creatures living inside that thing on his face...)

...and we're back...

so, some of the folks over at fox news, the crafty little cockroaches, are on to barry's scheme:

...the actual package, when announced will include some spending to placate unions and liberals who believe that the Obama stimulus was, in fact, too small...

The hope among Democrats, though, is that they can ultimately get Republicans to oppose the plan...

i know i shouldn't still be bothered by this shit... but i am.

there is a scene in where the buffalo roam in which hunter s. thompson (as excellently depicted by bill murray) puts a random piece of newsprint into a fax machine (there, chew on that gibberish for awhile, you heartless scum!)

turn off the tv's folks, board up the windows and doors, cause we're on the receiving end - analyzing the shit out of that trash for the entire upcoming week.

have a nice labor day. unless you're unemployed in which case it will just be another laborless day for you.

as for me, its in-law season and i'm setting the controls for the heart of the sun. i'm headed to the bad lands of northern florida. a short seven-hour jaunt south to see if we can't rustle up some gator meat and bask in the cancerous rays of a state's sun that seems to bring out the serial killer in a statistically significant number of it's citizens. nothing's legal in florida... yet... if the shit's gonna hit the fan, the fan is usually in the 27th state of our union.

wish me luck.

hell, wish us all luck.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

the audacity of glenn

glenn, aka man-hamster, has successfully restored our honor.

i feel like i’ve been baptized in bullshit.

how about this: we’ve lost our honor because the christian-right senses a world-wide undertow pulling away from christian-american influence?

is this the first time they’ve noticed it? or is the sentiment just now so strong that they are finally humoring our disinterest of their morality olympics?

and why does the christian-right get to challenge america’s honor?

considering our nation’s role in genocide against an indigenous population, slavery and perpetual exploitation of foreign populations, japanese internment camps, unjust wars, rationalized torture, intolerance of other religions, and the designated hitter rule… IT’S OUR DE-CHRISTIANIZATION THAT CHALLENGES OUR HONOR?

their morality comprises nothing more than finding christ.

we heal and grow from the recognition and redemption of our past.

it does our country the greatest dishonor to ignore our past and accuse those who can’t of Hating America.

and now apparently barrack obama is slaughtering nine-month old babies while declaring himself the messiah of the world. okay… you just sit there and keep an eye on that.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Glenn Beck's Rally

I went to Beck-Aid this morning. I gotta say, I was pretty surprised at how many people there were. Armed with my trusty video phone, I asked a few rally goers some questions. These were the responses I received, I'm posting them here...unedited. I didn't try to argue with anyone or grill them, or pin them down on any particular topic. I just asked them a question, and posted their answer. I was a little bit drunk and just didn't feel up to my usual shit-stirring self. I will say, the atmosphere was quite peaceful, in my opinion. Nobody tried to beat me up, skin me, hog-tie me, baptize me, or cut my hair. Thank God. Or maybe Thank Glenn Beck.















Friday, August 27, 2010

selective reduction...

have you heard of this?

apparently, selective reduction is the process of reducing the number of fetuses during a pregnancy. the practice is usually employed when an inordinate number of fetuses jeopardizes the medical safety of the pregnancy.

so in other words, you're pregnant with octuplets, but the doctors fear that anything over six fetuses could harm the mother or the would-be babies. in this case the doctors evaluate which fetuses are the least likely to survive and aborts them for the safety of the entire pregnancy.

creepy but pragmatic in a medical sense.

apparently there is an article in elle this month about a pregnant woman and her doctor choosing selective reduction for financial reasons. she could only afford to support one baby, but having ivr, she wound up pregnant with twins.

creepy.

even creepier? both fetuses were healthy and she knew the gender of each twin prior to her choice!

i'm all about pro-choice... a woman's body is hers... the choice is hers... i'm not picketing... no signs... no politics or religion... but that shit is fucking creepy.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

no eggs... no meat... americans in need of international aid.

how much do you love the fact that our food is getting us sick? more and more, it seems that we can't safely eat food bought in a typical supermarket anymore.

hey, i shop at trader joe's and the local farmer's market - but i'm a snobby liberal with no kids - i don't mind missing a mortgage payment or two to afford my groceries.

(i drink organic milk... does that make me weird?)

well, my sister and her husband now have the salmonella poisoning - raising the media's estimate of salmonella cases in florida to: two.

it was the eggs it seems. she made omelets for her hubby and herself two days in a row. next thing you know, doubled over in a parking lot. nausea, sharp pains, no sense of rhythm...

now its the deli meat.

two months ago the media shocked us all when it linked deli meats to cancer-causing nitrates. now it's tainted with the salmonella. sigh...

but don't panic!

it just might be worth three or four days of crippling illness to sneak in that dagwood. know what? a fried egg is just what you need to top off that bad boy. and if you're lucky enough to avoid food poisoning and butt cancer, you can chase it down with a lipitor and pepcid cocktail. then jab yourself in the face with a couple dozen spoonfuls of ice cream and ... ... ... don't forget your insulin before you slip into your snuggie and pass out for a few hours.

tomorrow you can go to the gym... i hear they have a very nice buffet.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

did you give to pakistan?

listening to npr this morning, they made a point that fewer americans are donating their duckets to aid flood victims than haiti, indonesia, etc.

among the reasons for this apparent lack of support are pakistan's connection with organized terror groups and rampant corruption throughout the government.

is it cynical to think your money would never make to those in need or realistic?

did you give?

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

maybe all i need is a shot in the arm

there was a time when barry made moving speeches, wasn't there?


traditionally those magical moments came just in time to pull us out of the deepest doldrums of cynicism. just as we were starting to doubt barry's superhuman strength, he would use his amazing powers to stop an out-of-control train from careening off a cliff into a hospital/orphanage/dnc fundraising event etc. etc. etc.

remember the race speech? holy shit... i still haven't completely cleaned myself up from that one.

those speeches are like democrat-crack - each one of us able to annihilate a dozen tea-baggers with a single snarky smirk.

and all the little elected lefties follow suite as well! truly a site to be seen!!!

yeah... we could really use one of those right now.

who controls the barry-batman spotlight? rahm?

in the meantime, let wilco rock your face off:

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

reality television blows............ my frickin' mind!!!!

reality television is the brain laser that ate captain kirk's mind in "Dagger of the Mind" (season 1, TOS). my wife watches this nonsense... and how many times have i quickly skirted through the room to avoid the crippling affects of the brain laser? countless times i assure you.

i guess it started with our semi-talented next-door-neighbors singing in front of paula abdul and quickly degenerated into smutty teenagers drinking recklessly in aruba or jamaica. the reality craze seems to have reached it's apex as we excitedly watch hopeless hoarders try dig themselves out of their cluttered living rooms, fatties on treadmills, and countless individuals plagued by various psychological and physical ailments that make us feel better about ourselves.

that is what it's all about isn't it? pity?

we love to pity people. we constantly "feel so bad" for somebody and "wish we could help" while really just saddling others with the title of their affliction to point out whatever is wrong with them that we are lucky or skillful enough to avoid.

i suppose there is some true empathy in this world... but really, how much???

i've always thought that this is where reality tv fits into our collective psyche. we no longer have to pity our neighbors, in-laws, cousins, sisters, best friends, bosses, baristas, bassists, barbers and bert blyleven... we can feel bad for anonymous idiots that are neither celebrities nor politicians (neither of the likes, by the way, deserve a shred of pity - let alone empathy)

but then again...

the gods of reality television have brought me this lovely ray of hope in an otherwise desolate entertainment landscape:


the frickin jets on reality television??? i get to watch sanchez and ryan and bart scott and not darrelle revis doing all the stuff that i would otherwise have to sit alone in my room imagining late at night in front of a ouiji board? i can watch the friendly prodding and fraternal banter that naturally occurs among behemoth millionaire athletes? for $14 frickin dollars a month??? ARE YOU KIDDING ME???

i can totally see the vision of reality teevee now. i get it. and i am so staying up past 10pm to watch hard knocks tonight while my judgmental wife smugly rolls her eyes and quickly evacuates the room lest she become a meat headed, knuckle-dragging mook like her husband.

that is all.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

seriously???

wtf is this?

it doesn't even look like fun... looks more like a calculator. and they wonder why our generation is fucked up.

Monday, August 9, 2010

who is the sheriff in these parts?

iphones and killer bees... stabbings in michigan, prison escapees, oil disasters, boy scouts booing the fucking president???!!!


my man steven slater is mad as hell and he's not going to take it anymore. slater is was a flight attendant until a rude passenger refused to apologize for bumping into him. broham took over the plane's intercom, tore the place up a little, THEN GRABBED A COUPLE BEERS AND SLID DOWN THE INFLATABLE EMERGENCY SLIDE!!!

this is a true story, and one that will help me get through every miserable day that is the remainder of my professional career.

thank you steven slater.

thank you.