Saturday, May 2, 2009

Happy Derby Day: My Interview with Sen. Jim Bunning (R- Kentucky)

I just got off the phone with former Major League Baseball star and the current Junior Senator from the great state of Kentucky--home of today's big race. I have an in with the Republican Party in the U.S. Senate and hope to land more of these interviews. I have long felt that liberals don't take enough time to learn about their political enemies, thus I hope to redress this situation with a weekly series of interviews with prominent Republicans. 

But today is not for politics--today is for the pony's. I figured a leader from Kentucky would have a real knowledge of this race. So here it goes:

i.E. - Good morning Senator. Thank you for taking the time to talk with us.
Sen. Bunnning- Your very welcome.
i.E. - I guess we should start with the big question: who do you like in the Derby today?
Sen. Bunnning - Little Ray of Sunshine is a lock.
i.E. - Why is that? What do you like about L.R.O.S.?
Sen. Bunnning- You see when the horses run the track is sometimes there to be seen so I think that horse will win em'. 
i.E. - I don't see a horse by that name on the program.
Sen. Bunnning- And you won't if look in the liberal press. This country has gotten off track because the liberals are controlling the news media.
i.E.- But sir, surely with the divergent views found online, on talk radio, and conservative outlets like Fox News...
Sen. Bunnning- Fox news ain't conservative, its moderate as all shucks. It just looks like a conservative outfit cause the media's so darn liberal. Its like if you took a ham and put in next to a darn t-shirt sleeve it would like giant like roaring ox, but next to a fire tower you can hardly see her at all. 
i.E.- Well, back to the race...
Sen. Bunnning- I won't talk about the race. I don't see race. I don't see color. I do see a lot of Americans seeing these things and it makes me mad as all shucks. When I used to throw the baseball up in Detroit folks would come out an holler up a darn tornado, and it just rubbed me wrong. So no, I won't discuss that. I am a Christian. It might not mean much to you or to the thieves in the White House, but it means a lot to me and my savior.
i.E.- But this race brings a lot of money into your state...
Sen. Bunnning- If someone gave you a million dollars to come in to your house, eat your food, drink your water, sit on your floor while he digests your food and your water and then takes a wootin' nanny on your floor would you take that sittin'? 
i.E.- Probably. 
Sen. Bunnning- And I don't. 
i.E.- A million dollars is a lot of money...
Sen. Bunnning- A man's character ain't never for sale, and this president of ours ain't got no character. 
i.E.- What about President Bush. He is your friend....
Sen. Bunnning- There you are, always bringing up George.
i.E.- But we have never spoken before. How do you know...
Sen. Bunnning- I know your kind. You like to talk to folks about things you think you know about, but you don't. You don't talk to the right people about the right things. Take Iran and the free health care. Your president wants to take my money and give it to the terrorists for insurance. Just makes me mad as shucks. 
i.E.- I am dumbfounded.
Sen. Bunnning- And your just flat dumb. You want to take my money and give it to some Arab in North Korea who hates these United States for health care? You want to get rid of the fine military we built and give it to Cuba now? Makes me mad as shucks and I'll tell ya somethin' else-- I ain't alone and I ain't gonna give the federal government my guns. From my cold, dead hands.
i.E.- So if I understand you correctly, you don't have a favorite today?
Sen. Bunnning- I have a favorite everyday. Its called family and prayer. You Heathens take them darn horses and ride them straight into Hell.
i.E.- Thank you, sir. It was a pleasure.
Sen. Bunning- The pleasure was all on this end of the line. 
i.E.- Good luck today.
Sen. Bunnning- Thank you. 

1 comment:

Randal Graves said...

Frankly, I'm impressed that you were able to dodge the crazy old man spittle that he can no doubt shoot through the phone line because he's just that crazy.