Wednesday, July 23, 2008

An Hour in Hell: My Sixty Minutes Watching Fox News (Warts and All)

(Stuart Varney- Fox News: Turd 4 Life)

* Warning: I am a trained Professional-- do not try this at home *

So I know some of you reactionary robots will use your open minds and tolerance to lambaste me about trying to watch one hour of Fox News. If you are one of such people, please go somewhere else where you can be around other forbearing folk that pride themselves on their diversity, imagination and ability to all think and speak the same way.

I am doing this to better understand that horrible noise hole that we in San Diego call channel 37.
I am doing this "live" so there will be no time for spell check or rewrites. I apologize in advance.

Its almost One...I'm taking a deep it goes:

1PM: 7/23/08: Oh Shit! Its Your World with Neil Cavuto! Some British guy named Stuart is filling in, so I think I dodged a bullet. I think if Neil was on I would have had to turn the TV off already. Some unknown female journalist is reporting from South Texas regarding Hurricane Dolly. Apparently the storm is packing 95MPH wind and she has no idea how to cover it. She keeps mentioning that it is wet and windy and is showing a picture of a palm tree blowing. Murdock could have just had her on a phone and taken a palm tree and a blow dryer in the studio and had the same coverage. Stuart asked if there has been any damage and if it feels windy. I know they don't hurricanes in Britian, but this guy should not ask questions like "how wet is it?" The little red "ALERT: title is predicting the RIO GRANDE levies could break. I think Stuart could turn into a wind turbine..I mean, he could.

Some Luke Skywalker with a hangover looking dude is now playing meteorologist and saying that the storm is indeed still there. He has his sleeves rolled up, so he might mean business. I am going to keep an eye on this one.

TO ISRAEL and Major Garrett-- For starters, wouldn't it be great if he joined the Army and became a Major? Or wouldn't it be great if he left Fox News and became a reporter? The byline is "DEVELOPING- Obama: Nuclear Iran Would Pose a "Grave Threat" , however, the Major is simply reporting on the fact that this is the "one year anniversary" of the Youtube debate where Obama said he would talk to Iran. He is wondering if Obama, who laid a reef at the Holocaust memorial, is thinking about Iran and how they want to bring a new holocaust onto the Jewish people. (By the way, I am not making any of this shit up. When I sat down to to this, I thought I would make a bunch of crap up, but they are doing it for me). They are showing Obama with his skull cap an hands crossed looking serious. Apparently the Israelis think Obama's approach is going to show posturing and weakness on the part of the Americans if he wins. I can't tell if he is being serious or if this is really a parody of some kind that I don't know about. McCain camp is saying that Obama is naive. I am now terrified Obama might win.....OK, I just poured some cold water on my head, I'm back...

Now Stuart is introducing a clip of Katie Curic and CBS talking about "how off Obama is" on his opinions about the surge. He is knocking her around saying the troops should have gone to Afghanistan. Now they are bringing on Lanny Davis ( a Clinton supporter), who spent the entire spring bashing Obama for his opinion, which seems to be that Obama is a dangerous nut that is going to get us all killed within three hours of being sworn in. The DEVELOPING byline is "Was Obama Being Wrong on the Surge Hurting Him?" I am really scared now. I just dumped my head in the toilet to try and break this horrible spell. It didn't work, but I did find my shades, so not all is lost. Oh shit, as Lanny is spreading his version of an opinion they are showing a giant hurricane about that is about to eat Texas. Stuart just asked Lanny how any American Jew could possibly support Obama. Lanny looks like he is no stranger to tefillin or Obama hating. He said that Obama and McCain is about the same and that Obama will probably do the same as Kerry and Gore did. Wow, that is the first thing that made sense. Good, a commercial for Scottrade and word that Ron Paul is coming up.

I can't believe that this really exists. I am not even sure what this ad is trying to sell. I am lost....where the fuck am I? Why did I decide to do this? Umm...the same Scottrade commercial is on again.

Shit, Stuart is back. I was hoping he would get lost and they would have no host. Ron Paul is on discussing his vote against the housing bill. He is arguing that we are making bad mistakes bailing out banks and homeowners. If we all die that is what the market place dictates so it is ok. If we are all homeless then that is what the marketplace dictates and so be it. He is saying we have to save the dollar and always allow individuals make choices about their lives, unless they are women that want to have abortions, and then the government should step in.

Now we are onto a teaser for "ILLEGAL OUTRAGE" and a terrifying ad for Shep Smith's show. That was a 2 min segment. I wish they were all this quick and easy.

I wanted to keep this organized by writing the time of each post but time does not exist in the Fox Universe. I am sweating, which apparently could be a symptom of serious heart disease according to an ad they just played for a pill. In addition to blogging about this, I am now on hold with my doctors office.

Damn it, hes back. Apparently some "illegal aliens" killed a guy in San Francisco. This woman is crying and talking about how San Francisco is a sanctuary city. There are two stiffs in suits on talking about San Francisco becoming the new capital of Mexico by 2012, and how Obama is going to leave the U.S. and become there president of Mexico. Stuart is yelling at someone trying to defend San Francisco's policy. The phrase "hearts and prayers" keeps being thrown around. He just said it again. This guy is saying the thousands of Americans are being killed by "illegals" who are needlessly slaughtering American citizens. We are seriously fucked folks. I live in San Diego and there is an entire country of them down there just waiting to kill us. I now know it. I made a doctors appointment for tomorrow morning. I keep hearing blood on their hands and slaughtering Americans and open borders policies. I have been to Mexico dozens of times and can't believe I made it out of there alive. I did not realize everyone there was trying to kill me.

FUCK! It's about to get worse. Apparently Bill Kristol from the Weekly Standard is about to come on. I really hope he means Billy Crystal. I could really use any rendition of "You Look Marvelous" right now. This is terrible. I can't believe I did this. I live near the beach and choose to do this?

The best thing about Fox News, from what I can tell, is that they have lots and lots of commercials. Ads are so much more realistic than the "news" that comes out of this putrid station. There is a pet groomer ad. I like dogs, and I love things you can buy on TV for 19.99. I am calling 1-800-973-6056 to order the Pedi Paws pet grooming kit. It looks awesome! I didn't even know my dog shed until I saw this ad. I'm glad I saw this, for I had no idea it was going on.

And...ANOTHER SCOTTRADE AD! Or should I say, the same one again.

They are back to Hurricane Dolly and apparently it is, as Stuart says "rough conditions" out there. I never thought a hurricane could produce such weather. He just said that the rain is a big deal. Apparently other gulf cities dodged Dolly but may not be so lucky next time. (I remind you, I am not making this up). So Stuart then asks "Why are Democrats tapping emergency oil supplies?" He then has on a Rep. Maurice Hinchey (D-NY) and asks him right off the bat "it seems like you Democrats will do anything except for drilling." Stuart wants to drill everywhere all the time and apparently wants to kill this guy with his smirk. It may be killing me right now. He keeps asking questions and is not letting the congressman speak. He is also disregarding the congressman's replies, who keeps pointing out that the oil corps are sitting on land where they can drill and not doing so. Stuart seems to have some kind of magical logic repellent on, because he keeps yelling "BUT WHY DO YOU HATE DRILLING SO MUCH?" Now might be a good time for me to mention how much I miss my dear friend Neil Cavuto. He is now screaming "why not tell the oil companies drill anywhere you like." The congressman is throwing out great facts and keeps telling Stuart he is not listening to him, which of course is true. I really wish I a meter on my skull that could measure the reduction of my IQ in real time. I don't know if I am going to make it as he now has Rep. John Boehner (R-OH) and his orange lotion tan on to discuss how wrong the Democrats are. Stuart keeps refereeing to his previous guest as the "Democrats" that were just on. He seems to agree with everything Boehner is saying. They both want to drill at all places at all times, irregardless of whether or not there is oil to be found. They are now making a date to rub fake sun lotion on each other and any underage Mexican boy they can find in a San Francisco bath house when Neil gets back next week. Maybe they will get married why they are out there. I think Stuart is trying to toss his salad through the telescreen.


Back to the storm. He keeps pressing that the levies are about to break, even though the expert that is on is saying that this is not going to happen and that he wishes Stuart would stop saying that. But Stuart is saying, "so you are saying this won't happen? What are you going to tell the Fox News audience when it does?" And that's it, another commercial break, which so far has produced not a single Scottra......nope, here it is....another Scottrade ad. Unreal. I think I am going to check that site out when I am through with this. I really feel like making a few transactions right now!

And we are back for what I pray is the last segment---I can't take this anymore!

Apparently LA govoner Jindal says he won't be the VP nomination for McCain. This is terrible news. Not because I like Jindal, because I heard an alleged report that he might have eaten a live chickens head out of Ozzy's mouth--I kind of like him for that-- but because this served as the transition for Bill Kristol. With all the other terrible things going on this hour I forgot about the bastard. He is wearing a dark suit, red tie and a bright pretty smile. This is his "Gi" and he is most dangerous in such garbs. I won't be able to take it.

He is speculating that McCain is passing him over and allowed the Gov to do this so he didn't look pass over. He also said that he reported last week that he would be the nominee. He said he might pick Romney. I got a fortune cookie that said that last night. How is this news? My 2 year old nephew mentioned this to me this morning. He just called the Gov of Alaska good looking. I think he has a boner...or is that a toothpick in his pocket? He keeps coming back to Romney. Stuart wonders if he has any fire!?! He said "20 second- what is the quality of the McCain campaign?" Kristol says McCain's campaign has been mixed but is doing better than anyone could have thought and that Obama's trip is going horribly. Again, I am not making this up.

Speaking of which--ANOTHER FUCKING SCOTTRADE AD! Does Murdock own this company?

Now he is leaving us with the news that Dolly is making landfall. I know this because Stuart just said "Dolly says Hello to Landfall" and he is now saying that this storm shows us that this will be a horrific season for hurricanes. A guy from ACCU Weather is telling him that this won't be that bad of a season but Stuart does not buy it. He also says this has nothing to do with global warming or Al Gore.

OK, its over and I just put a hammer through my TV set. I learned two things:

I) Stuart does not like his guests opinions getting in the way of his facts.

II) This was a terrible idea and I will never do it again. I am sorry for even trying. I feel like I just fought Mike Tyson in his prime. I am done. Good night.


Kup said...

I encourage each of you to check the Digg comment that PDB wrote about this posting. Its classic...

Bradda said...

You should delete his comment Sal just like everything else you disagree with.

Kup said...

Poor attempt Bradda. You had a terrible plan and it was executed poorly. Please try again and I will raise your grade.


Bradda said...

Are you denying the fact that you deleted my material because you didn't agree with it? You have posted PLENTY of things that I thought shouldn't have seen the light of day but I NEVER deleted your material. Things have changed however as you crossed an invisible blogger rule of never deleting material because you don't like what it says. The power is back in the hands of the sane and there will be no more power trips.

Kup said...


Kup said...

bradda, answer your phone you passive aggressive coward.

alzaido alzaido said...

I am not a fan of Fox news either; however, most US news sources are very biased - in example IE. Fox is extreme but that is their thing.

Randal Graves said...

I love when it's 70 and sunny and the weather clown is in the studio, but if there's a tornado or hurricane or baseball-sized hail, send that fucker outside.

Every now and then when I've had one too many, I'll put on Fox for some laughs, and within 5 minutes, I'm invariably pissed off. I can't imagine an entire hour.

Kup said...

Here here Alozaido...But please note that i.E. is not and should not be fair and balanced.

Randal- I am like you in that regard. 5-10 min here and there and then my drinks start to come back up. It was a tough assignment.

Fran said...

I may need to seek some extensive PTSD therapy just from reading your account.

Had I tried this my head would have surely exploded.

One full hour? I bow to your bold greatness but please... do not do this again!