Tuesday, July 15, 2008

The Predictions of Supersymmetric Particle Models: Sentiments on Dark Matter in the 21st Century and the 2008 NFL Season ~ Part I

Note- This is what should be the first of an eight part series leading us up to the 2008 NFL season...

The hunt for dark matter has been on since 1933, the same year the Steelers and Eagles became franchises. A Swiss astrophysicist at CalTech named Fritz Zwicky applied virial theorem to the Coma galaxy cluster, trying to estimate its total mass based on the motions of the galaxies near its edge.
(Fritz Zwicky: rocking a bolo in the truly old school "handle and spout" pose).

He determined the mass of the cluster was some 400 times greater than it should have been. Thus began the pursuit of the "missing mass problem." Zwicky was convinced that there must be some unseen force which would provide enough mass and gravity to hold all those galaxies together. Dark matter. During the dead zone in between NFL seasons, the force keeping rabid fans (and gambling enthusiasts) together explores a different type of experiment. One that tries to balance chemistry and probability, but truly relies more on ego and intuition. Both have intimate ties to notions and suppositions of "potential energy."

The significance of the virial theorem (left) is that it allows the average total kinetic energy to be calculated even for very complicated systems that defy an exact solution. Through similar logic, I experimented on models of each NFL team and am weeks away from reaping the results of my initial predictions. This time last year the buzz of excitement was felt among countless football fans around the world. Had their team done enough to contend for a championship? A similar sense of anxiety and wonder was swirling in the world of science as the race to unlock the secret nature of dark matter heated up.

While Randy Moss was gearing up to rekindle his career as a Patriot and David Garrard was emerging as the glue that would best hold the Jaguars offense together, physicists and scientists were employing enormous subterranean theaters to funnel their dynamic theories into. Up for grabs??? A Nobel Prize or a Lombardi Trophy depending on how you look at it.

Which is why we must shift a sagacious eye to France. Birthplace of Monique (seen rescuing a tasty Camaro) and home of the CRAL (Centre de Recherche Astrophysique de Lyon), my pick to take home the hardware on this one.

AFC Est
Nouveau l'Angleterre Patriotes 12-4
It's gonna be like the Catholics vs. the Huguenots all season long within the division. Belichick's taking on the role of Catherine de' Medici (mother of King Charles IX) and is ready to re-enact the St. Bartholemew's Day massacre of 1572. They throw because they can; usually all day long, but I am not sold on their running game getting it done against big boy defenses. Asante Samuel and Randall Gay are gone and what remains is one of the thinnest CB corps in the league. There is more than one reason to fear the cream puff schedule.

Buffaleaux Billes 9-7 They gave up way too many yards on the ground and up the gut last season. If free agent acquisition, Marcus Stroud can stay healthy, this young and talented secondary could see some dramatic improvement. Lee Evans is looking to rebound off a sub-par '07 season, but the rest of that receiving corps is less exciting than a Stendhal novel. Marshawn Lynch recently side stepped a potentially disastrous "off-the-field" problem in Houdini-like fashion which leads me to believe he'll improve on what was a promising rookie year behind an underrated line.

Nouveau York Avions 6-10 They blew their free agency wad in style because a guy dubbed Mangenius coughed up a 4-12 sophomore performance . The defense will look a whole lot better with the new personnel including mammoth Pro Bowler Kris Jenkins and Vernon Gholston who drew quite the buzz before the draft.
But the real problem is on the other side of the ball where it could get ugly if Kellen Clemens fails to put Marie Antoinette's proverbial head in the chopblock this preseason. TE Dustin Keller is a new face that can create some options on offense that they simply don't get with malcontent Chris Baker.

Mon Ami Dauphins 4-12 Parcells may walk around that place like he's Cardinal Richelieu, but contrary to appearances, he's not the coach and it's gonna take a lot more than his presence to right this ship. The errs of Cam Cameron's spin at the wheel brought the franchise to a grinding halt in the wake of the Nick Saban clusterfuck. They got good value out of this year's FA crop, bringing in veteran LBs Akin Ayodele and Reggie Torbor to beef up the D, but Ronnie Brown is going to see eight men in the box every week as the passing game is expected to be about as scary as this:


19 comments:

Randal Graves said...

Yikes, you suckers weren't joking about the predictions. It's kind of early for that as I expect at least one or two more Browns to have season-ending black holes before the last preseason game.

kreplech said...

no doubt randal... but we're not dealing with a reasonable, rational human being here. dick is among those most depraved football fanatics that would crush football up and snort it if possible. i truly believe he's aquired season tickets to his local football brand in an illicit (and likely violent) manner. he should not be trausted with children or small domesticated animals.

Sal Kilmister said...

Good point Randal, on all points. I figured, why wait for football to start, everyone will be doing it then, and it will too far from Bastille day.

I think he is off on my Dolphins, who won't win that many games over the next 3 years.

kreplech said...

sal - i'm glad you fessed up to your sick dolphins obsession. and you are correct about how terrible they are... except for the obvious understatement.

as for my J.E.T.S. - dick's got it all wrong. we've got a beefed o-line now (faneca, woody) that should help the veteran jones chew up some serious gridiron against a much tamer schedule than we had last year. special teams are the one area we've failed to improve on. the J.E.T.S. will win 10 with two wins against the phins and one against the pats.

Anonymous said...

Fritz Zwicky is a nut.

Randal Graves said...

kreplech, ten wins? For the Jets? Did you guys clone a young Freeman McNeil and bring back the Sack Exchange? :)

kreplech said...

ok... i may have gotten carried away. but if you take a look at the improvements they've made - and their strength of schedule - i think the J.E.T.S. are bound to surprise some people... let's face it, anything over 7 wins will be a shocker. but 6-10? dick's clearly out of touch.

Dick Tremaine said...

An optimistic Jet fan is an oxymoron. Your 2 starting WRs had 7 TDs between 'em last year. Happy 40th Anniversary Joe Namath!

Sal Kilmister said...

Ya Kreplech, I agree with Dick-- The Jets suck, have always sucked, and should always suck. They are just pathetic. At least the dolphins had a long hay day. They Jets are just a bunch of green turds. They are almost as bad as those silly Jaguars and their illiterate, racist, fans that are confused as to why the players don't have motors, detergent ads on the side of their uniforms and why they don't go around in circles. Dick is right, the Jags suck.

kreplech said...

You listen to me Tremaine!!! The J.E.T.S. were without any form of offensive line last year - AND - it was Kellen Clemens first change at live, NFL ball. Coles and "Crotch" are studs.

Sal - lay off the ibogaine.

Dick Tremaine said...

..only in your gay fantasies.

p.s.- my bad.. they had 8 TDs.

Sal Kilmister said...

Dick is right Krep, any NFL team that starts with the letter "J" is bad stuff and should be avoided.

kreplech said...

dick - uh-huh... how'd that jax passing game work out for you last year? yeah - cothery's starting to look pretty good, eh?

kreplech said...

sal - you're doing well with the alphabet.

Sal Kilmister said...

Krep- fuck you or thank you, depending on if you were being serious or sarcastic.

Dick Tremaine said...

it was good enough to win a playoff game.

Sal Kilmister said...

The Jags one a playoff game, isn't that cute?!?

When do they move to L.A.???

Dick Tremaine said...

When you spell the word "won" O-N-E do I really need to respond?

Sal Kilmister said...

A) You did respond, now who is the turd?
B) I meant to say "The Jags one playoff game, isn't that cute."

The "a" was the problem, sucka...