Thursday, May 15, 2008

Behind Enemy Lines:

For reasons I am too frightened to contemplate, I am on John McCain's email list. I got his email today and was about to send it to my spam box, but after hearing his speech this morning, I thought I would give it a look. I am going to analyze this with my comments in parenthetical italics. It reads as follows:

My Friends (I am not your friend you crusty goblin),
We are all aware that next January, the political leadership of the United States will change significantly when a new president is sworn into our nation's highest elected office. It is important that the candidates who seek to lead our country after President Bush define their objectives and what they plan to achieve not with vague language but with clarity.

(I agree with this so far. Good work senator! I fear the other shoe is about to...)

What I want to do is take a little time to describe what I hope to have achieved at the end of my first term as president. I cannot guarantee I will have achieved these things, but I am presumptuous enough to think I would be a good president.

(I am not entirly sure I know what this even means, and quite frankly, I think I will sleep better for it. I think he is saying he will win the election, perhaps get nothing done, yet still be a good president? )

By January 2013, at the end of my first term as president, America has welcomed home most of the servicemen and women who have sacrificed terribly so that America might be secure in her freedom. The Iraq War has been won and Iraq is a functioning democracy. The threat from a resurgent Taliban in Afghanistan has been greatly reduced but not eliminated and there has not been a major terrorist attack in the United States since September 11, 2001.

(This is a fantasy. I can't summerize it any better than this. When I, as a 14 year old boy used to project my life 4 years into the future, it usually consisted of me being a rock star and addored by millions of slutty women that loved me for my money and my metal. McCain is outlining his dreams. This is a therapy session, not a forieng policy outline.)

The United States has experienced several years of robust economic growth and Americans again have confidence in their economic future. Congress has lowered taxes and passed fundamental tax reform offering a choice in how taxes are filed. Americans, who through no fault of their own, lost jobs in the global economy they once believed were theirs for life, are assisted by reformed unemployment insurance and worker retraining programs.

(Does he think he is a super hero?)

Public education in the United States is much improved and test scores and graduation rates are rising everywhere in the country. Health care has become more accessible to more Americans than at any other time in history.
The United States is well on the way to independence from foreign sources of oil; progress that has not only begun to alleviate the environmental threat posed from climate change, but has greatly improved our security as well.

(This is starting to remind me of the story that George tells Lenny at the end of the book "Of Mice and Men" just before he shots him in the back.)

Scores of judges have been confirmed to the federal district and appellate courts, including the U.S. Supreme Court, who understand that they were not sent there to write our laws but to enforce them.

(This is perhaps the worst sentence I have ever read. What he is really saying is he will appoint judges who will rule the way he wants them to rule, which by the way would make impossible the majority of the freedom and prosperity he has outlined above, but I digress.)

Voluntary national service has grown in popularity in part because of the educational benefits used as incentives, as well as frequent appeals from the bully pulpit of the White House, but mostly because the young Americans understand that true happiness is much greater than the pursuit of pleasure, and can only be found by serving causes greater than self-interest.

(Umm, how can a father with children in their 20's not understand that a probable majority of this country's youth thinks that sacrifice is having to turn off their cell phone before a college class that they don't want to attend./?- I am not sure which puncuation to use as that sentence was a question/statement hybrid...)

This is the progress I want us to achieve during my presidency.

(If any of it were real I would want it too...)

These are the changes I am running for president to make. I want to leave office knowing that America is safer, freer and wealthier than when I was elected.

There are serious issues at stake in this election, and serious differences, but it should remain an argument among friends; each of us struggling to hear our conscience, and heed its demands. Each of us, despite our differences, united in our great cause and respectful of the goodness in each other. That is how most Americans treat each other. And it is how they want the people they elect to office to treat each other.

We cannot again leave our problems for another unluckier generation of Americans to fix after they have become even harder to solve. I'm not interested in partisanship that serves no other purpose than to gain a temporary advantage over our opponents. We are all compatriots. We are fellow Americans. I intend to prove myself worthy of the office, of our country and of your respect. I won't judge myself by how many elections I've won. I won't spend one hour of my presidency worrying more about my re-election than keeping my promises to the American people.

And now, I call on you to do your part in making this vision a reality. I am not presumptuous enough to think that I will be elected our next president without your help, and I humbly ask you today to make a contribution to my campaign of any amount to ensure my campaign is fully funded and able to take my message and vision directly to every American voter.


John McCain

(He then begs for spare change)

P.S. There are serious issues at stake in this election, and serious differences between the candidates. We will argue about them, as we should. If I am elected president, I will work with anyone who sincerely wants to get this country moving again. But I must be elected in November to do this, and that is why I ask that you join me by making a financial contribution so that my campaign can be fully funded to win in November. Thank you.

(Please do not send this man money. Please send him a pillow, he clearly needs a nap...)

1 comment:

Bradda said...

Why stop there Johnny, with of the "great" plans you've laid for your first term? Promise Americans that they will have six pack abs, a full head of hair, a new Mustang, Angelina Jolie in bed, the ability to fly, and so on and so forth. this old fucker scares the shit out of me!